Sides

This story by Michelle is used on the Old Tom Archive with permission.

Sides

by Michelle

“You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know they aren’t as ten­der as all that.” — Pauline Reage

It was March of 1998 that I finally met C, who held the side of me that I called “my sub­mis­sive side”. He stood as “per­fec­tion” in my eyes… eyes that were blind­folded by all that I had cre­ated him to be.

I still learned more about myself in the year that we were “together” than I had pre­vi­ously, but as I found out, he never really did agree to be a god; I had sim­ply appointed him. And it’s easy now to look at the events and under­stand where my head was… and know the dif­fer­ence between what I had with him… and true submission.

True sub­mis­sion can only be found in the light of true Dom­i­nance. The kind of per­son who will take time to make you under­stand Respect, humil­ity, truth, purity, love, and inner peace. Some­one who accepts you for who you are, the way you are, but will help you stay on the path of what is right.

Spend­ing a year with C opened my mind and forced me to exam­ine myself, but I know it was only prepar­ing me to give true sub­mis­sion to the who could see all sides of me…the one who would teach me the true def­i­n­i­tion of Respect… and submission…

I wrote *Sides* when I came back from my first visit with C.

Sides

There’s a dif­fer­ence between the dark and the light,
In the day, you may play, but it’s a lit­tle too bright,
And no, I’m not talk­ing about a light-​​switch,
There’s some­thing inside you that starts to unhitch
When the sun goes to sleep and the moon takes the stage,
I like how your body comes out of that cage,
and yes, I have seen it, it really is true,
when the nite is before us and the long day is through,
your tongue can make words that bite with­out warn­ing,
yet, that doesn’t explain why you beat me that morn­ing…
the sun was awake and alive and you knew it,
and still you had it in you to get up and do it.

Per­haps I was wrong about the absence of light,
although I still say we think dif­fer­ently at nite.
I mean, how else to explain the change in your voice,
the tying, the fuck­ing, leav­ing no choice.
When it’s dark, there’s a free­dom, we can be who we are,
and yes, it was day­light while I held onto that bar.

Maybe you’re dif­fer­ent, the only excep­tion,
maybe you’ve found a way to make the con­nec­tion,
and let things hap­pen in day­light, or nite,
this must be why every sin­gle thing felt so right.

I’ll still stick to my view that the nite holds a power
it will trap us and press us on hour after hour,
but with you, I’ll try to keep in mind
(as if, when I see you, my thoughts I can find)
that you can’t be bound by the dark­ness or light,
that with you, it will hap­pen when you fig­ure it’s right,
doesn’t mat­ter to you if the sun can see,
or if the moon plays cha­rades with the galaxy.

Must be you never cared what time of day it would be,
must be you guessed there would still be things to do with me,
oh that’s right, thou­sands of hun­dreds of ways
to fuck a woman over a period of days.
All of them deep inside your brain,
some like ice, some are hot, some include pain.

I think I will make it a point to remem­ber,
con­sid­er­ing that we have all this time, past Decem­ber,
that there resides some­where within you a beast,
a wild, entic­ing, untamed feroc­ity, at least.
And it pays no mind to the time of the day,
the light and the nite will not stand in it’s way.

It’s the kind of energy that I’m dying to touch,
and yet, at the same time, the fear is too much.
’Cause I’ve seen a glim­spe of this light­en­ing that you hold,
and I know that there’s more, I’ve already been told.
I wish there was a way I could lock it away,
and keep it inside my chest to see everyday.

So many ways for you to be…
so many sides of your mind I wish to see.
I’m not wor­ried that I wont get to see all of you,
we have time to expe­ri­ence all of these things we wish to do.
(You did say that once, and it calmed all my fears,
you told me there’d be time, together we have years.)

I still won­der when I wake up, who will I see
when I look in the mir­ror and stare back at me…
and because of your time that you’ve spent learn­ing us,
I’ve come to know me, and I’ve come to know trust,
and I can’t tell you enough how amaz­ing this seems,
the lust and the pas­sion, the friend­ship, the dreams,
the space that we’ve cre­ated, the place we exist,
I like it all, and wouldn’t change this friend­ship with a twist.

I think most of all I enjoy being free,
know­ing that you’ve always let me be me.
You’ve made me feel safe, and you’ve taken con­trol,
you’ve set the bound­aries that some­how make me feel whole,
and this is def­i­nitely the wildest of rides,
explor­ing, and look­ing at all of our sides.

Michelle — April 1998

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