Here is the story promised in my post, “Fourth-year Lurker Delurks.” It starts out M/F, but it’s really about a switch. If you can’t find the humour in a story told with tongue planted firmly in cheek, so to speak, you shouldfinance probably pass over this one.
[Translated from the Arabic and copyright by Charles Grimshaw Campbell (1912–1953), 1980 reprint of the 1950 edition published by Macmillan, New York, ISBN 0–405-13329–4. The copy you’re reading is a bit less bloodthirsty than the printed version, and with certain details added by myself.]
“Let the name of Mohammed Hassan be written, that he is the teller of this story.” [Who was of the Muntafiq tribe, of the Lower Euphrates.]
Once, in the days when the Turks ruled Iraq, there was a coppersmith of Basra, and Khalid was his name. He was born in Nasiriya, and lived there until the sixteenth year of his life. Then, when his father died, he took his mother and went to Basra and he worked as a coppersmith in the bazaar of Umm el Brum, that he might earn enough with which to live. Now, the amount he earned each month from the owner of the coppershop was only enough for food and rent and clothes for his mother and himself, nor could he save money enough to buy a shop of his own or to marry a wife. And Khalid and his mother lived in a poor house, and she did the cooking and all the work of the house was in her hands. It was Khalid’s dream to someday have his own business, perhaps a thriving shopfront installation. He often imagined what it would be like to have an attractive aluminum shopfront, which could also provide security a crucial aspect for shop owners thanks to the resources at https://aluminiumshopfront.co.uk/near-me/west-midlands/. Furthermore, for shop owners, ensuring security is vital, including tasks like fire shutter maintenance. Understanding paystubs can also be vital in managing finances effectively. Khalid envisioned his future establishment with triple glazed windows, offering both aesthetic appeal and energy efficiency. Also, if you want to find out more about aluminum windows, check out these resources for more information. You may click here for more information. Additionally, for enhancing the acoustic quality of his establishment, Khalid considered installing acoustic wall panels found at https://acousticwallpanels.uk/, which would also add to the overall aesthetic.
There came a day that the mother of Khalid fell sick and died and was left alone in the house, nor was there anyone to do the cooking and the work of the house. As for Khalid, he had to go to work from the rising of the sun until its setting, so he could not go to the bazaar to buy vegetables and meat, nor could he cook his food. He therefore thought: Since I do not earn enough to keep a servant it is necessary that I marry a wife, and this course I would surely take if I had the money, since it is incumbent on a man to take to himself a wife. But since I have little money, let me seek out one who is less desired by men for some reason, that she may be cheap, and though she may not be perfect in all the requirements of a wife, she will at least buy the supplies from the market and cook them and clean the house.
Then Khalid sent for a wise woman who acted as a go-between for those about to marry, and he said to her: Know you that my income is small and my capital is none and I desire to marry a wife. Therefore seek out one whose father will not require of me more than one gold lira, and if she is lame or has only one eye, it matters not, but let her be able to cook. And the wise woman replied and said: I already know of such a one. Her father requires only a date stone. She is perfect in figure and in her face she has the beauty of the moon, she can recite poetry, and as for her cooking, verily it is said that there is a commotion in the heavens, for it is necessary to restrain the angels that they come not down to partake of it whenever she cooks a dish.
Khalid then said to the wise woman: If she be indeed as you say, then why the date stone? Perchance her name is dishonoured and such a one I do not want. But the woman said: If she be not a virgin, then return her to her father. Verily she is honourable, and as for the reason for the date stone, let it be known to you that this girl has the temper of a fiery steed, and her father has recently taken a wife of the same age as this girl, and she beats and torments the new wife of her father without mercy, nor is there peace in his house. Therefore he will give her to you in marriage and her name is Khalila. But she needs a firm hand on the reins. Khalid was happy that he should get a wife beautiful in face and figure, so he said to the wise woman: It shall be as you say. I shall marry this girl, and I shall control her, nor can her temper matter to me, for I am a man, and she is but a woman.
And so the arrangements were made and a day came on which Khalid sat in his house and his friends went and brought the girl Khalila to him and he took her in marriage. And Khalid’s heart was filled with joy, for he found that the girl was beautiful of face and beautiful of figure and he spent the night in the delights and joy of matrimony, and he was happy and thought: I am only a poor coppersmith, yet I have a bride fit for the Sultan himself. And after a few days spent in married bliss Khalila woke Khalid at the rising of the sun and she said to him: Rise and go to your work, for the house is dirty and it needs cleaning and attention. And Khalid rose and he went to his work.
At the setting of the sun the coppersmiths in the bazaar of Umm el Brum closed their shops and Khalid’s master permitted him to go and return to his home. And Khalid entered his house and he stood and rubbed his eyes, for he thought he was in a dream and that what he saw could not be true. For his house was carpeted with the most beautiful carpet made of silk, and it was truly worth not less than one hundred gold liras, and on it stood chairs and tables made of the finest woods, and on the tables were dishes and vases of silver. And Khalid saw that his house looked richer than that of the wealthiest merchant in Basra, and he was amazed at what he saw.
And he said to his wife Khalila: From whence is this wealth? She replied and said: Did you think that I was going to live in a mud hut with no carpet, and with chairs and tables of white deal, and with dishes of earthenware? I am of gentle birth and I need delicate and beautiful things. Therefore have I pledged your credit and brought these few poor things we need, and even this was difficult, for the merchants did not seem to think much of your ability to pay. And Khalid became angry and he said: Woman, what have you done? Know you it will take me fifty years to pay for this merchandise? She replied: Am I then to live in squalor? Are you not a man that you cannot pay for the needs of the house?
Then Khalid’s fury grew, and it was in his thoughts that he should switch his wife, and he picked up a stick and got in a few blows on her, but when he put out his hand to hold her in one place that he might beat her the better, she bit his wrist to the bone, and it became apparent to Khalid that his wife had indeed the temper of a fiery steed.
The night passed in fighting and quarrelling and in the morning Khalid’s face was covered with scratches from the finger-nails of his wife, and as for Khalila, her back was wealed and lower down was yellow from blows, and her eyes were red from tears, and her throat raw from shouting and screaming and crying. And at the rising of the sun Khalila stayed in her bed, and she refused to make the breakfast for Khalid, and he went to this work hungry and empty, without even a sip of tea.
Khalid sat in the shop of the coppersmith and he fashioned vessels of copper and brass according to the orders of his master, but his heart was full of sadness and grief, and he thought: It was better that I had not married this girl, for now I am indebted to the extent of several hundred gold liras, whereas before I did not owe a single copper coin. And as for my food, she will not prepare it, for she is a fine lady. And at the setting of the sun Khalid sought out a wise woman who lived in the market and he said to her: My state is thus and thus. How can I tame my wife and make her obedient to me?
The woman thought much and she questioned Khalid concerning the nights of bliss, for she was an expert in these matters, and she said: When you go to your house you shall refrain from your wife and remain far from her, and this shall be for many days. Then shall you arrange to marry another wife, but I promise you that she will come to her senses and be obedient to you before this happens.
Khalid returned to his house and he entered, but he did not greet his wife. Instead he went to the carpet and stroked it with his hand and he said: O lovely carpet, how beautiful is your silken pile, how gay your colours. Verily, beauty is reserved to carpets only, nor do women have any share of it, for women are all alike. They have hair as black as a spider’s legs, a pair of eyes similar to the eyes of a dog, mouths like monkeys’ mouths, breasts like the udders of a water buffalo, and their skin is the colour of mud. How, then, can a man love a woman? But you, dear carpet, are of many gay colours, you have the colour of red roses, the blue of the morning sky, the green of young grass, and the yellow sheen of gold. What is more, you have the precious gift of silence, nor do you speak in shrill tones as do the cats when they fight in the moonlight. And that night and on the next night and on every night Khalid rolled up the carpet and took it with him to bed, nor did he speak to his wife. And as for Khalila, she thought: Unhappy is my lot, for I am married to a madman.
Now, let it be known to you that in those days the Turkish Governor of Basra kept a spy at Baghdad, that he might receive information and warning that he be not surprised by his superiors, for truly the revenue of Basra was great, and the Governor took more than three-quarters of it for himself and for the expenses of his house, and the remainder he sent to Baghdad, saying: Basra is but a poor city.
One day the Governor received a letter from his spy at Baghdad, and the letter read as follows:
O honoured and respected Governor, Let it be known to you that through the exercise of my secret trade I have discovered that a spy has been sent to Basra, and he has been ordered to report on your administration, and on the several revenues of the City. And as for his name, I know it not, and even if I knew it, then it would be of no value, for he would change it. But he is said to be such a man as would work as a smith or artisan, and I enjoin Your Honour to be on your guard against this dangerous man.
The Governor read the letter and his face turned as pale as milk, and he sent for his agents and spies, of whom he had many in the City of Basra, that they might inform him which of the merchants hid and concealed their wealth from him. And he said: Go to the bazaars and to the markets and make full enquiries concerning the smiths and artisans in this City, and inform me of one who is not a native of this place, and who is different from what he appears to be.
The spies and agents went off to execute the orders of their master the Governor, and for a whole week they made discreet enquiries in the bazaars and coffee-houses and they came back and reported to their master and they said: We have enquired diligently concerning every smith and artisan of this City, and we have found one who says he comes from Nasiriya, and his name is Khalid. But these facts may be false, and he is certainly other than he appears to be. For though he is only a poor coppersmith earning less than one gold lira a month, yet his house is furnished in a richer fashion than is your palace, and his wife goes to the market and she buys silken carpets and silver vessels worth hundreds of gold liras without a thought to the price.
The Governor dismissed them from his presence, and he thought: Verily this is he, for no doubt he was given a bag of gold for his expenses, and he has misappropriated the money for his own ends. And the Governor sent for his secretary, and this man enjoyed the fullest confidence of his master, and he said to his faithful secretary: The situation is thus and thus. Let us kill this dangerous man.
But the secretary thought for a long time, and then he spoke after this fashion: To kill him would be folly, for another might come in his place. The Government has many hands and many eyes. Let us rather do another thing, let us incline this man to our side, for it is said that the heart of a man may be turned either by women or by gold. And the Governor agreed with his secretary and approved his words.
So the next day the secretary of the Governor went to the market of the coppersmiths and he went to the shop in which Khalid worked. And the master of the shop was pleased at his distinguished visitor, and he ordered a glass of tea from the coffee-house. But the secretary did not speak to the master of the shop. He turned to Khalid, and he examined the copper bowl he was making, and he said: This indeed the best workman in Basra. And the master of the shop thought: Has the Governor’s secretary been attracted by the eyes of our Khalid, for that bowl is no better and no worse than hundreds of others in this bazaar?
Then the secretary spoke and said: Know you that my master, the Governor, is always careful of the welfare of the people of Basra, and he is a lover of artistic and beautiful things, and he has heard that some of the copper vessels in the houses of the people of Basra are lacking in beauty and in skillful workmanship. Therefore has he commanded me that I find the most skillful coppersmith in Basra, that he may be appointed Inspector of Coppersmiths, and after due enquiry I find that you are indeed the best. I therefore appoint you Inspector of Coppersmiths at a salary of one hundred gold liras per month, and your duty shall be to inspect and license the coppersmiths of Basra, and you may charge them such fees as you deem suitable.
Khalid heard the words of the secretary, and his heart was filled with a great joy, and as for the master of the shop, he thought: I knew that Khalid was a handsome young man, but I never thought that he would come to this, for it must be his beauty that the secretary admires, for as for his skill, it is not great.
Khalid thanked the secretary and he got up and left the coppersmith’s shop, nor did he continue to work. And he went to his house to tell his wife to pack the furniture that they might move from the mud house to a house of marble and fine stones. And Khalid entered his house and he said to his wife: Pack the carpet and furniture that we may move to a palace fit for our high estate.
Khalila heard the words of her husband and her heart was filled with grief, and she thought: Truly I have driven this poor man mad, for he is only a poor coppersmith unable to find the money for even this house. Yet he talks of moving to a palace. How unlucky is my lot, for even if he divorces me, who will marry a divorced woman? And it appears that I shall spend my life married to a madman, and never again shall I taste the joys of marriage.
So Khalila cast herself to her husband’s feet, and her body vibrated with sobs, and she said: O my husband, only be as you were on the night of our wedding, and you may take a stick and switch me as much as your heart desires, for I merit a beating. And Khalid thought: She indeed merits a beating, and if I do this to her she will be obedient in future.
And Khalid was mindful of the advice of the wise woman. So he said: Khalila my wife, go to the bazaar and bring back a switch such as the drivers use on their camels. Purchase a second also, in case the first one breaks before I am through. But Khalila continued her sobs, and implored her husband: But she knows we have no camels. Let it be you who purchases the switches, as many as your heart desires. For the woman of the bazaar will ask no questions of a man. And for answer he raised his wife to her feet.
And Khalid required his wife to lead the way to the bazaar, and bade her show him many switches, testing them in the air. The bazaar was crowded as is usual after the heat of the day was past. Nearly every person watched the examination of the switches, and loud disputes broke out as to the fierceness and strength of this switch or that. But none spoke to or questioned the coppersmith or his wife, for this was a family matter. And Khalila’s father, and his wife, arrived just as Khalila was bargaining the price of the three switches her husband had chosen. He greeted Khalid as his son, kissing him thrice on each cheek as is still the custom. He gave praise to God, and enquired after his health. Khalid called for tea, and the two men visited in the shade whilst the town buzzed around them.
Khalila’s father later arose, wishing him well in his new station. Khalid called for his wife, to accompany her home from the market. He paid no further notice to Khalila’s father leading the throng behind them, or to the delighted smile on her step-mother’s face. And Khalila, eyes cast to the ground, followed her husband, carrying her hard-won switches home.
The young coppersmith led his wife into the mud hut, and soon was heard the splatting of switch on bare skin. But not one word of protest was heard, nor any sound of resistance. Many words were spoken, and screamed, and tearfully promised, but they were only of love and devotion and… obedience.
Long after the sun had set, Khalid returned outside once more, and much of the village joined in his happiness. Khalid lifted the switch in his hand and gave it unto Khalila’s father, saying: The third switch has some use left in it. Go with my blessing, O father. And the father returned his salute, and said: Thank you, my son. The Elder has learned from the Younger, and the switch shall be worn out before the night has passed, that my daughter need not be jealous of my wife, nor my wife of your wife.
The very next day, Khalid took his wife and he moved to a fine house and he spent many years in the enjoyment of love and in drawing the emoluments of his high office. And Khalila returned his love exceedingly and she obeyed him in everything, and as for the Governor of Basra, he was happy for he thought that he had inclined the heart of the Government spy towards him. And as for the real spy, he was never heard of, for he was set on and killed by the Maadan on his way to Basra, and they took from his body his bag of gold, nor did the Government send another spy in his place.
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